I watched this film yesterday and I loved it. There were some interesting choices made, some of which I do not understand still. My director leant me her CD case full of foreign films by her favorite directors, so I have been enjoying myself.

I think this is contributing to my not wanting to get out of bed. That coupled with PMS, thoughts of my ex boyfriend, and the after effects of mono. I'm pooped. I would sleep for hours more, probably, but then I would feel like my day was wasted.

You know when you think back on loving someone, but you can't seem to understand why you loved them? Even so, you can't get rid of that pain in your heart. It doesn't make sense, although affection never truly has to me. I read somewhere that "love is the only socially acceptable display of insanity."

I would have to agree.

Feelings take over and cause you to act impulsively. To do things you never thought you would, say things you wouldn't normally say. That's how I feel about my last relationship. He seemed to bring out the worst in me. And so often now, I look back and I wonder, "What was I doing?"

He was wounded and I liked that because I wanted to fix him, but he reminded me too much of old wounds and obstacles I had already overcome.  My entire body was physically telling me "no" with the intense bouts of anxiety and insomnia. When we first started dating, I couldn't even eat.

That has never happened to me with someone. I just... couldn't eat. I had so much anxiety that I couldn't eat anything and I would have to force myself to eat small things so I wouldn't faint during rehearsals. Maybe it clouded my judgment.

I don't know. There were so many wrong things. But it doesn't mean it is any easier. Especially not for me. I am an intense person and I never half-heartedly care for someone. When I feel it coming to that on a romantic level, I stop dating that person.

I'm rambling now.

This break is my time to heal a bit before we continue on in class together, which I'd rather not do, but will because I care more about my craft than a dispute that won't stay with me forever. I just have to remember to be gentle with myself... And that these wounds aren't healed over night.