I watched this film yesterday and I loved it. There were some interesting choices made, some of which I do not understand still. My director leant me her CD case full of foreign films by her favorite directors, so I have been enjoying myself.

I think this is contributing to my not wanting to get out of bed. That coupled with PMS, thoughts of my ex boyfriend, and the after effects of mono. I'm pooped. I would sleep for hours more, probably, but then I would feel like my day was wasted.

You know when you think back on loving someone, but you can't seem to understand why you loved them? Even so, you can't get rid of that pain in your heart. It doesn't make sense, although affection never truly has to me. I read somewhere that "love is the only socially acceptable display of insanity."

I would have to agree.

Feelings take over and cause you to act impulsively. To do things you never thought you would, say things you wouldn't normally say. That's how I feel about my last relationship. He seemed to bring out the worst in me. And so often now, I look back and I wonder, "What was I doing?"

He was wounded and I liked that because I wanted to fix him, but he reminded me too much of old wounds and obstacles I had already overcome.  My entire body was physically telling me "no" with the intense bouts of anxiety and insomnia. When we first started dating, I couldn't even eat.

That has never happened to me with someone. I just... couldn't eat. I had so much anxiety that I couldn't eat anything and I would have to force myself to eat small things so I wouldn't faint during rehearsals. Maybe it clouded my judgment.

I don't know. There were so many wrong things. But it doesn't mean it is any easier. Especially not for me. I am an intense person and I never half-heartedly care for someone. When I feel it coming to that on a romantic level, I stop dating that person.

I'm rambling now.

This break is my time to heal a bit before we continue on in class together, which I'd rather not do, but will because I care more about my craft than a dispute that won't stay with me forever. I just have to remember to be gentle with myself... And that these wounds aren't healed over night.

A Million and One Years Later

I am at an extremely pivotal place in my journey of life. I am feeling ridiculously fragile (thank you, PMS and a busy mind) but I have accepted this to be okay. It is my last semester of community college. This is bittersweet, because I have grown incredibly attached to my theater teachers and fellow students, but I guess this is how life goes! Ever-changing.

Anywho, I had a lovely day with my friend Daryl yesterday morning. We took the long routes all around town in the glimmering sunlight of the morning. It was so beautiful and really inspired me to take the "long route." It reminded me how blessed I am to live in California and also reminded me of my fierce love for Laguna Beach! What an artistic city it is.

Daryl got into Syracuse University and is on her way to New York tomorrow. We talked about life- fears, hopes, excitement, the future. It was comforting and unsettling all at once. I had a moment of internal questioning when I wondered whether i had made the right choice only applying to three Southern California schools.

But then I realized... My choices couldn't have been wrong. One, because I get free school in California, and  two, because I believe that my choices are spiritually aligned. I am meant to be in Southern California. I ran out of time to apply to other schools. And, funny enough, I was accepted into CSU Fullerton- a school I applied to last second just because.

They do have a kick ass theater program, so even my plan C is a good choice.

I am trying to see the cosmic alignment in the choices I have made and in being present. I am at a coffee shop half giggling, half upset that the internet isn't working at my house. I think it is another sign from the universe telling me I need to slow down with all the external mess of our modern world. It is completely distracting me from the now. Like... completely.

But the beautiful morning with Daryl did help me to realign my focus, if only for a few hours. So here are some photos from our lovely morning.

We looked at some of the little historical beach pads from the 1940's to the 1970's. They're tiny, but I would totally live in one in a heartbeat! What inspiration.

We checked out some the abandoned beach houses from the 1970's. They're awaiting renovation, so it was cool to see them before they make them all modern and more expensive than ever. I have a strange attraction to abandoned houses.

Me and the sand octopus that someone left to the shore.

I thought this was beautiful. It is definitely my mindset when nature is involved.

We then went to Mother's Market for some vegan nom-noms. I ate my brown rice and soyrizo in about five seconds. Seriously, someone should time me.

 I started my morning with some chia-seed kombucha. Yummy.